Closeout The Year in 4 Easy Steps – no math involved

by kdwyer | Dec 30, 2021 | General, Uncategorized

This before the New Year, I perform a ritual that helps me prepare to accept what the New Year will bring. I like to reflect and take stock of what just happened. Especially after a crazy year like the one we’ve just been through!

My four step method is an accounting but has nothing to do with math. Math was not my favorite school subject.

Why? Whether this has been one of the hardest or even if it has been a very positive year, this is the time to ask some of the deeper questions to help us step forward with confidence. Looking back helps me let go of the unimportant and move forward.

“No, I haven’t kept a running list of my activity. I simply review my calendar entries. It always surprises me how much I have forgotten!“

Even if you detest those holiday letters….It’s a good idea to assess your life’s journey before you head down the next road.

“Am I headed down the right road?“

Before I click the electronic page to January, or stick a pushpin into a new wall calendar, I do these four easy steps and I know I”m headed down the right road of the new year.

FOUR STEPS

Take Stock of What Happened
- Skim each month of the previous year’s calendar, not significant events
- Note meaningful accomplishments from task lists
- Review journal entries for a sense of prominent themes and where my gratitude has been focused.

Ask These Personal Questions. Note Your Answers.
- What were my biggest challenges?
- How did I handle the unexpected?
- What have I learned?
- Did I reach my most important goals?
- What am I most proud of?
- What am I ready to let go of?
- How will I apply what I learned last year?
- What are my new ideas and goals?

Think about new intentions and jot them down.

Lastly, Post the new intentions to a prominent place that I can see every day.

That’s it! This little practice helps close the door on the old year. See what I’ve achieved and have a peek at what I want to do next.

“WELCOME, NEW YEAR!”

My wish is that your light shines brightly in the coming year!

All the best in love,

Kit

10 Creative Ways to Bring Memories into Splendid Spring!

by kdwyer | Mar 21, 2018 | General

Heading into Spring cleaning with fervor? Here are 10 creative ways to organize favorite treasures and share memories of the previous year or farther.

1) Create a Scene

– Save bits of a special vacation or activity inside a glass jar. Note highlights on paper or use ticket stubs, confetti, shells, sand, or cutouts. At the end of the year, review favorite moments, photograph your scenes, then start a new jar.

2) A work of Art

– Create a bit of art or jewelry using a photo, child’s drawing or another memento. Many sites offer ways to preserve a special moment in time for use in a functional, wearable, or artistic piece. This sibling photo was enlarged and printed on fabric for making a pillow.

3) Make your own home videos or audio recordings

Of the many gifts that can be passed to children and grandchildren, few will be as meaningful or as impactful as the sound of your voice relaying what you feel is important to pass on.

4) Create your Own Site

Create a personal website, YouTube, or SoundCloud site to share photos, video, or audio with only your family or friends.

5) Memory Jars

–Display bits of beloved nature, a bird’s nest, or treasured item in a glass jar or cloche.

6) Create a Shadow-box

– Frame a short story or poem about a meaningful event.

Include memorabilia to honor a loved-one.

Maps can give a sense of place or movement.

7) Write Them Down

Keep a Journal or Notebook.

Insert photos or drawings that describe the story.

8) Use social media

Gather favorite photos and related short stories of your year.

Share them on Facebook, Instagram, or Tumblr.

9) Display Old Documents

Family history documents can make an eye-catching wall display, especially against a dark wall. Envelopes and postcards yellowed with age, handwritten vintage letters or cards can be framed or arranged unframed.

Just be sure to use color photocopies rather than the originals.

10) Toys and Games

Find toys and games you played with as a child. Display them and write about your experiences with them.

Tell us: What are your favorite ways to reveal hidden memory treasures?

Need help? Submit Your Comments, below.

Professionals, like me, are available to help you get creative with your legacy stories and items.
Participating in group memoir workshops lets you hear what others are remembering and nurture your own memories.

Waking Up Memories

by kdwyer | Mar 13, 2018 | General

I love metaphors! Like tree buds, our memory-energy is being stored up inside us.

Those Buds Were There All Along

Did you know that the buds you are seeing on deciduous trees in spring were formed during the previous summer, usually in August?

Why? Trees are dormant during the winter. They don’t have the energy to grow those power-balls of life in dormancy. The buds are not very apparent in the fall or throughout the entire winter. Yet, if you look closely, you’ll see these tiny structures even in the dead of winter.

Wake Up!

In the spring, buds swell and wake up! Bud-break is the response to both markedly warmer days after cold winter temperatures and to longer daylight hours.

Seeing the trees and bushes flaunt fragrant flowers and green, glorious leaf-out in spring gives me a sense of hope and awakening from the darkness and bleak colors of winter.

Memory-energy is waiting

We create and carry forward special memories all year long. These are the relationships, thoughts, and moments that keep us strong and resilient.

Like the small buds of fall, our memories are waiting for the right environment to wake up and be celebrated!

Celebrate Memories

So how do we nurture our hidden memories? The most important thing is to let our memories break out of hiding and celebrate them. The key environment is where reminiscing is fun and easy. Sharing them with family and future generations come naturally. Journaling, talking, sending letters and cards, and organizing and taking photos are just some of the ways we can nurture memories.

Tell us: What has helped you wake up family memories and be able to share them? Was it participating in a birthday, or holiday celebration? Something else?

In my next post, I’ll show you 10 Creative Ways to Prepare Memories for coming into Splendid Spring!

Managing Your Photo Collection – Part Two

by kdwyer | Feb 12, 2018 | Organizing

In Part One of our series on Photo Management, we discussed the overall strategy of creating a workflow for organizing your family photos. After designating one central storage space of the correct size, here are some tips on what to do next.

Step Two – Get Everything into One Photo Catalog

Create one folder on the one designated drive space.
- Initially, this is your photo catalog.
  - Name the folder whatever you like: MyPhotoVault, or something you like.
Start moving your collections
- Review your list from Step One.

Move only small amounts at a time. Remember, you don’t want to get discouraged and give up.
- Try working for only 15 minutes, or tackle just one month of photos at first
- Put this short task on your schedule at a regular frequency that feels right for you.
- It doesn’t matter where you start, but be sure to make a note of it, so you can come back to it later. Maybe – the oldest month of photos on your local hard drive, or someplace like that.

Step Three – Review the contents of your new folder

Now that you’ve designed your photo catalog and placed all your collections in it. Start to review your collection.

Realize that you are looking at these photos with a perspective you may not have had when the photo was originally taken. It is possible that the image may have new importance, or you have gained new knowledge, especially if it contains something (or someone) that no longer exists.

Three Folders Are Best

As you cull what’s worth keeping, KISS it – Keep It Simple, Silly. Make only three subfolders; anything more complicated is too much trouble.

Keep
Donate
Discard

BEWARE of Creating Extra Folders

Choose a catalog outline that works best for you and stick with it.
- Folders by the year or by quarter might work well. Or you may discover a different design fits your needs.
Do not sort by person name. I have seen some people sort by family name with some success, but either of those methods can get messy, as you can imagine.
Read about best practices for naming files and folders. This will make finding what you want easy and efficient. One of my favorite filename convention outlines is here.

So, you might be asking: What if we don’t know the exact year the image was originally taken? How do we find the needle in the haystack – that one image of newly found importance when we want to locate it again?

Metadata to the Rescue!

Finding your photos is where the value of metadata shines. In my next post, I’ll be sharing how to assign metadata to your images that will stick with them when you move them around, so that you can search for and find what you want.

Managing Your Photo Collection – Part One

by kdwyer | Feb 12, 2018 | Organizing

A Workflow for Finding and Preserving Your Images

Your photographs are not just files and folders; they’re your family memories. If you haven’t lost them by accident or tragedy, consider yourself lucky. I was not so lucky. Since tragedy struck some of my family photos, I have been on a crusade to help others keep from suffering any kind of photo disaster.

If you are like me, you long for a simple* workflow.

*All your photos flow neatly from their sources into a single library, they are searchable and shielded from harm. You want to be able to print and frame your best photos, give them as gifts, and write stories around them as you prepare for your legacy.

How Did We Get Into This Mess? – A Brief Look-Back

Perhaps you’ve inherited a collection of photos that look something like this. Maybe there are physical albums and scrapbooks, too.

Many decades ago, printing film was relatively costly. Photographers snapped pictures with a critical eye. We had to be thrifty, astute and discerning, wary of taking meaningless photos.
Contrastingly, when digital photography became commonplace, clicking the shutter hardly made us pinch our pocketbooks. We were quite suddenly able to capture the volume of images we see today.

Previous strategies left you with no plan for how to track, sort, or store your images, and make them quickly portable as part of an emergency plan.

Old print photos are at risk of abandonment and disintegration.
Digital photos are scattered haphazardly across our entire digital footprint.

3 Key Objectives of a Good Workflow

Percolate
- Address your archives with intent to make waste of the meaningless and crown the priceless.
Tag
- Understand that adding image metadata will help you find what you want when you need it.
Follow through
- Save backup copies in different physical locations which will protect your treasures from those inevitable hardware failures.

Rule #1 – Take Baby Steps

One thing at a time. Don’t try to tackle organizing all at once, so you won’t get discouraged and give up.

Overall Strategy

Assess your total storage size needs so you can safely put all your photos in one place
Cull meaningless and bad photos from the ones you want to pass on to future generations
Apply meaningful unique file names and add searchable metadata to EVERY image you save
Create a workflow that efficiently automates new photos going into your catalog (appropriate folders)
Backup your catalog of images to no less than two different locations

With a sense of the overall strategy, start by gaining a sense of what you already have.

Step One – Assess Your Storage Needs

List where all your photos are located.
1. Print/Developed Photos – By this I mean all paper, tintype, Polaroid, and heirloom photos. They might be in scrapbooks, wedding albums, baby books, movie film, slides, etc. We will get these scanned to digital eventually, but for this step, just list where they are located.
2. Digital photos – Regard those scattered across all your devices and programs. Include sources such as email & social media, computer, tablet, phone, digital cameras, cloud storage, etc.
Tally the storage space needed to hold all of your digital imagery
Double that storage space estimate
Dedicate, or reallocate, that amount of space – either on your local hard drive or by purchasing a new external drive. This space will become your primary digital photo repository.
1. If you are balking at the price of allocating or purchasing the necessary space, think about it in terms of the value of preserving your priceless photos. The minimal cost is worth your peace of mind.

In Part Two of this series, I’ll talk about how best to move your digital photos from their various sources to that one location, and detail how to sort and create metadata for the images you save.

Tips for Writing Memories

by kdwyer | Jan 29, 2018 | General, Writing

Start Writing your Memories

In a previous post, I talked about the difference between memoir and biography. Whether you are writing biography or memoir, starting is the most important action to take.

The most important thing is not to wait.

Collect the memories before the rememberers are gone.

Time slips by quickly. As you have probably come to know, the opportunity to capture the details of what you know, or the memories of someone you love, can fall out of reach very easily.

That recipe you’d been meaning to ask about.
All the characters present, or not present, in that family photo.
What your great grandfather did for a living.

You don’t plan to lose them, but away they go.

Decide What Feels Right

I used to think of a memoir as being only in the well-known hand or type-written manuscript, or published book. However, you might try other medium for communicating your story.

Journaling – Writing memoir can enhance your regular journaling practice.

Memory Books – Your favorite memories written for someone in particular; perhaps a child, grandchild or sibling.

Legacy Letters – Addressing things you want those who survive you to know in a formal letter format. This isn’t a legally binding document but can be emotionally powerful and cathartic, nonetheless.

Audio – Audio memoirs are recorded in our own voice with an analog or digital recorder. After discovering an old recording of my parent’s voices after they had passed away, audio quickly became one of my favorite memoir formats.

Poetry – For example, Glenis Redmond teaches students how to write memoir poetry in her Peace Voices class. Glenis believes that reading, hearing, writing, and speaking poetry can be a healing medium.

Video – A powerful yet usually shorter version of telling memories than written forms; can be captured by either amateur or professional videographers.

Photo Exhibitions – photos paired with rich written context telling a personal story about an event, a person, family, or community.

Online database – A curated collection of stories from group members who may or may not have a relationship. Examples of these will be detailed in a future post.

Want to Try Your Hand at Memoir?

I’ve put together some prompts to use as monthly themes.

There are no rules, of course. No one will be grading you. Use any topic that inspires you!

If you’ve never done this before, keeping it simple and short will make it enjoyable.

4 Tips to keep in mind:

Once a month, set aside 30 minutes to write, or 10 minutes to record, your telling about a theme.
Write, or record, or both, until you’ve exhausted the topic.
Don’t be afraid to stray from the prompt. It’s perfectly fine to follow your white rabbit wherever the memory leads you.
Revisit your memoir pages or audio files a few months after you’ve written them. Has your perspective changed?

January – Tackling new challenges: Describe a time when you didn’t back down from something that frightened you.

February – To love and be loved: Describe an item that reminds you of a kindness you gave or was given to you.

March – Winds are blowing: Describe a “windy” time in your life, either figuratively or literally.

April – Showers before flowers: Describe a memory that involves water.

May – Spring dancing: Tell about a time when music affected you.

June – Roses are red: What funny or strong memories relate to a wedding or summer event?

July – Vacation fun: Describe a favorite vacation or travel memory as a child.

August – School days: Describe a memory about a teacher that influenced you.

September – Gifts of gold: What was a favorite present you received or gave?

October – Acting out: Describe a time when you acted as someone or something not yourself

November – The warmth of family: Tell a memory about a family tradition.

December – Light & Hope: What dreams do you have for the next year?

After trying out this exercise…Send me your comments using the box below:

Did you find writing on a theme enjoyable?

What medium(s) did you choose?

How did your perspective change?

Is a Memoir a Biography?

by kdwyer | Jan 9, 2018 | General, Writing

Hello, my story-happy friends!

In writing circles, a memoir, pronounced “Mem-wahr”, is a form of non-fiction writing.

Memoirs are narratives of someone’s personal experience. I rather like the vintage French roots of the word, defined as “something written to be kept in mind”. To me, that something to be “kept in mind” might be a perspective, an insight, an influence, or a way of coping with an event.

For instance, I was searching for memoirs about Gutzon Borglum, sculptor of the site known as Mount Rushmore. Historical facts of who, what, and when, loomed much larger than insights into his personal thoughts and influences. Those were all biographies.

People often mistake memoir with biography

If you wrote down the major plot points of your life, it would be a biography.

In theory, you could construct your biography from the scheduling pages of your calendars and planners over the years.

Like holiday letters from distant friends and relatives, they are quite often statements of places and events.

Example: “I grew up in a middle-class two-parent family. I graduated from a high school in Connecticut, earned an associate degree in Animal Science. I got married twice, had one child, went back to school, achieving a bachelor’s in Biology and started a company.”

That’s a biography. Everything in it is true, and although I summarized entire decades, it covers most of my life up to this point. Anyone could have written the above example for me; I didn’t add any of my own interpretation.

Memoir, on the other hand, includes personal feelings and insights that stayed with the memory of events.

Memoirs are like biographies in that they explore real-life. But, memoirs don’t necessarily span an entire lifetime. They may follow a specific theme or time frame and reveal a deeper exploration of memories.

The writing process often shakes out new insight about a memory. Stories recollected much later from when they originally took place are seen through a more experienced lens, often exposed to new light.

Writing memoir is about finding your emotional truth as much as factual truth.

The manner of truth rests in the eyes of the author. I’m not suggesting you can outright lie in your memoirs, but you can focus on the theme of your life, rather than the plot.

Readers of memoir are tempted to savor the story because it feels as if the writer is revealing what things should be “kept in mind”.

Example: “When I was four years old, we lived near a golf course of rolling green grassy hills. At dusk on the fourth of July, families claimed spots on the hilltops with lawn chairs or blankets to watch the night’s fireworks display. This year, before it got pitch dark, I was allowed to play with the deer statues that decorated the front of the clubhouse. I pet them as if they were real. I talked to them and climbed on them. When the grass turned cold and damp, my mother spread out one of our white cotton bedspreads and dad called for my sister and me to come lay on it with them. We lay our heads all the way back and looked up to watch the show in the sky. The ground shook beneath us when the “m80 – cherry bombs” exploded seemingly right over us, leaving black puffs of smoke floating slowly away. I grabbed my mother’s hand to feel safe but I was giggling with excitement. The smell of gunpowder wafted around us and I soon joined in exclaiming “oohs” and “aahs” with each burst of color and light. When the fireworks ended, I got to ride on my dad’s shoulders during the long walk back to our car. It was just about the best time ever.”

Let’s be honest, I’m probably getting all the details wrong.

I’ve reconstructed this old memory a hundred times over the years. Maybe it wasn’t a golf course. Maybe I wasn’t allowed to climb on the statues, or the bedspread was just an old blanket. Maybe I grabbed my dad’s hand, and not my mom’s. I have no idea.

Does that matter? Not really.

That’s how I remember it for some reason. It isn’t like a video captured on a phone or security camera. My mind thinks of that event as important and it filled in the gaps.

That’s the power of memoir.

Thinking and telling about it can teach us a lot about how we perceive the world. It lets us dive back into memories and come away with a fresh perspective.

How do YOU feel about memoir vs. biography? Do you have some favorites of either type to share?

Stolen Christmas

by kdwyer | Dec 21, 2017 | General

As Christmas Eve approaches, it reminds me that my parents always took my sisters and me to midnight mass when we lived at home. My mom was a devout Catholic, and she loved celebrating with all the rituals, including witnessing the pomp and circumstance of the solemn procession that started the Catholic mass on high holy days.

My dad didn’t frequent church services at all, but he did agree to attend mass with us on Christmas and Easter, to stay in good graces with his beloved wife. The most memorable of these was when I was about ten years old. We lived in Michigan at the time, and it was one very bitter cold Christmas Eve.

Dad parked our car in the church lot with all the other congregates and we went into the great hall of stained glass filled with green pine boughs and candles everywhere. The sights, sounds, and smells are easy to bring to mind. I remember the strong incense puffing from the swaying gold thurible. It made me cough, but it didn’t seem to bother anyone else. So, I swallowed hard and kept as quiet as I could while fixing my eyes on the cross carried atop the high staff by an altar boy donning his white gown while processing to the alter. We sang hymns with the choir and I even caught my dad mouthing a few words of a verse or two, but not loudly. When he started snoring during the sermon, mom jabbed her elbow into his ribs and startled him awake. This made my sister and I giggle, but we were soon scolded to keep quiet.

When the service was over, we walked back across the parking lot behind my dad to the car. I couldn’t tell at first if it was the snow squeaking under our boots or my dad speaking but I soon came to find it was the latter.

My dad had stopped short and gasped, “Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” He gazed at the wheels where the hubcaps had been stolen from his brand new Chevy Impala while we were at midnight mass! He couldn’t believe that in this sleepy medium-size town of cornfields, someone found they needed to steal from him on Christmas Eve.

Dad scoffed a lot about it at first. Then mom said to us in a jovial tone that she feared he would never attend church again! Maybe because no one was hurt, or thinking the thieves must have needed those hubcaps more than we did, mom and dad kept the mood light.

Before we could say *Jack Robinson*, dad turned that hubcap incident into a family story that ended up being told over and over for many years. It seemed to give him a great deal of pleasure to laugh at the irony of it. Coming into misfortune while you were trying to do good became the family joke that bore many one-liners: “Watch out dad, someone might steal the whole car next time!” “Dad won’t go to church, but on the one day of the year he does, he gets robbed!” “Is God sending you a message?”

I’m grateful that my dad did not stop taking mom to midnight mass on Christmas Eve. In fact, he continued for as long as I can remember. Easter too. I’m thankful that he felt enough love in his life to keep giving it and allowed good humor to lighten his load.

Do you have a story to share about a holiday that “stole something from you”? Does your family have stories that get told over and over?

My wish for you is that you discover the kind of hope in your stories that lets you know there is enough good in the world to overcome the bad. Merry Christmas everyone!

An Imaginary Friend – How I got unstuck from “Writer’s Block”

by kdwyer | Nov 27, 2017 | Writing

Do you want to start saving some of your life stories, but don’t know where to begin?

After all, at this point on your timeline, there are a ton of events behind you. You might be asking, “Should I start writing from my first memory, my school days, or my first job?”

The good news: it doesn’t matter where you start.

Starting is the biggest step. You can always arrange your stories in the order of your choosing later.

Sometimes though, even the best-intentioned writers, get stuck getting the first words onto the page.

I found myself in that situation, commonly termed “writer’s block”, recently. Then I came across Henneke Duistermaat’s article, with a list of remedies. To my surprise, the first suggestion was:

Write a letter to an imaginary friend.

I was so intrigued by the idea. These days, I’m usually sending text or email. But I remembered that when I want to thank someone, I still send a handwritten card. So, I decided to spend a half hour with this “Imaginary Friend” exercise to see what happened.

It turns out that I didn’t really use an imaginary friend so much as a series of friend memories. Like friends and bicycles – if you remember to take them out once in a while, they will take you places almost anytime you like.

Soon I was on my way to where I was going. That is what words do for us, they get us to where we are going.

The ride I took in my letter was a smooth path of words that led me nicely from my past, back to the present, where I found the sweetest gratitude.

And where there is gratitude, there is always a story!

Are you beginning to write down your memories and unsure where to start?

I applaud you for taking the first step – Having Intention.

Try This letter-writing technique as your second step.

Sit down and casually write a letter to an imaginary friend.

It could start simply as thanking them for something or as if you were catching up after being out of touch for a while.
Was there a story you wanted to share?
Think about what makes your friend laugh or shake their head.
Start a conversation.
Imagine he (or she), reading your letter and what questions he would ask. Answer his questions.

Write for 15 minutes (of course, if you are on a roll, keep going). Include a bit of gratitude for good measure.

The letter I ended up writing is below. Afterward, I highlighted subject areas that I think I could expand on later. Totally unstuck!

—

Dear friends,

I’ve been missing you terribly.

Remember when we were in elementary school? We imagined our bicycles were horses and we made up names for them? We used to get on our bikes almost every summer day and ride around the neighborhood on the cracked-slate sidewalks. We had to make our steeds jump over the edges of the stone slabs up-heaved by roots of the sugar maples lining the road.

Remember when we were in college? We pedaled past giant trees and admired the grand mansions around Bryn Mawr? We talked easily about anything that came to mind…. our favorite music, our sore brains from studying. We’d say what we were hungry for, what our boyfriends were doing, what we thought the next big thing would be, or when the next party was scheduled. We knew we didn’t have much control over these things, and that made us laugh! And of course, when solicited, we would give each other advice on how to solve whatever problem was at hand.

Remember when I was a troubled adult? We rode our bicycles together, with our toddlers in plastic seats behind us. We glided along trails next to splashing streams and under sunset skies of orange and blue.

Remember when you took me into your home when I had no place to go? You hired me. You were my companion as I rediscovered my strength. You listened. You comforted me with love.

Friendships are precious to me because my family moved around so many times when I was young. I learned to make friends in the new places, but moving away, again and again, made it difficult to develop lasting connections. I don’t have many longtime friends, but those I have are fiercely strong.

My sister, “Kay”, was one the truest friends I’ve ever had. Even though she was much older than I, and we hadn’t lived under the same roof since I was 6 years old, we overcame this limitation by connecting often by telephone, occasional visits, and writing each other letters. Kay knew what deep listening was, and she practiced it whenever we talked. It was the greatest feeling in the world to feel heard like that. We talked and laughed a lot about the funny things in life. Kay never tried even once to change me or sway me to any point of view. She always listened and responded with loving words, no matter the topic or problem I shared. As an adult, my relationship with Kay allowed me to be very close to her husband and children too, so my family felt bigger than those under my roof.

When Kay died before me, it left a big hole in my heart. After her death, I tried to get closer to my mom. We had always gotten along, but to me, my mom seemed too distracted by her own journey, and it prevented her from hearing mine. We were as close as we could be, but I wanted it to be better.

Using Kay’s example, I decided to become a good listener. I was able to get closer to my mom than ever before. It was amazing how much more I understood my mom’s personality. This became especially helpful during mom’s 13 years with Alzheimer’s Disease. I was able to connect with her more deeply she responded by letting me in on her fears and struggles. I am very thankful that I was able to help her feel that she was heard.

Listening was helpful to me, too. It helped in prioritizing my time and deciding how I could best help with the circumstances. I decided to spend most of my parent’s last years with them, rather than being involved in other pursuits.

Writing to you in this way has allowed me to pinpoint more than before, that my sister’s love is still with me, even though her body is not. I am comforted knowing that I am passing on her method of listening with love. I won’t forget the good things that have been passed down to me. Being able to listen with love was a major factor in my decision to become a Personal Historian. I get to listen to the heart song of others and help them share their own positive stories. In the process, they discover the gratitude that they want to pass forward.

Well, friends, I hope we will make time to have some fun together soon. I’ll be standing by my kickstand anytime you’re ready to ride!

All my best,

Kit

—

Let me know what you think about the “Imaginary Friend” technique, my letter, or anything else you find helpful in your writing, by commenting below or sending me a note.

Happy writing!

3 Tips for Capturing Stories from Stubborn Relatives

by kdwyer | Nov 14, 2017 | General

Do superstitions about death make it hard to ask elders for their stories?

I met a young mother while dropping my grandson off at his preschool the other day. We were chatting a little about the sweet stories that children this age tell us about their day. I mentioned that one highlight of my work is discovering childhood stories from the older generations. Her response went something like…..

“Oh, I would love to do that! I am longing to get my grandmother’s stories – the ones she sometimes tells us at holiday dinners or when I visit her on her birthday. But, I just never seem to write them down!”

“Couldn’t you set up a separate time to talk with her?”, I suggested.

“Oh, no, I couldn’t do that. I’m too afraid!”

“You’re afraid of your grandmother?”

“No!”, she chuckled, “What I mean is – it would upset her. She would think I was implying she is about to die, and in my family, DEATH IS NOT something you talk about. She would get offended and then my whole family would be angry with me!

“I think I understand.”

“I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I truly do want to have those stories,” she continued. “I know that pretty soon she won’t be around anymore – it’s very frustrating.”

Internal Family Dynamics Matter

The story above reminds us that family dynamics play an important role in how and when stories are passed down to and from us.

Whether it’s stubbornness, superstition, or our own fear of talking about death, sometimes fear gets in the way of capturing life stories. Family rules may be so strong on certain topics that we are forced to wait for the dynamics to change (i.e. marriage, divorce, or a period of a generational shift) before stories are told.

So, when is it appropriate to ask for stories?

It is not surprising that family gatherings are good places to hear stories about your family, especially when relatives come to visit from far away.

Seize Opportunities

Weddings, funerals, holiday mealtimes, vacation car rides, on walks, or even while waiting at the doctor’s office or hospital are times when you hear interesting reminiscences. You may be tempted to be browsing your social media at your such a gathering, but I think you will find it rewarding to turn on your smart phone’s recorder instead!

Investigate Indirectly

You can discover all kinds of stories that don’t involve direct discussion of a taboo subject by focusing your questions on how people overcame a challenging situation. Steer your questions toward life-affirming reactions to difficult circumstances. For example, if Aunt Betty is a widow and your family avoids talking about her husband’s death directly, you might ask what aunt Betty decided to do, or change, that helped get her through that difficult time. We all have challenging situations of one manner or another in our lives, and we can learn from one another’s approach to getting through them.

When is it inappropriate?

Merely wanting the stories may not be enough to overcome unspoken rules about avoiding certain topics. In my own family, we freely spoke about relatives who died from war, cancer, and old age. Those were met with sadness, not forbidden. However, I can think of at least two instances in which I felt the topic of death was to be avoided or would be in breach of trust to discuss.

A) When speaking to a person with mental illness. Speaking with my own mother about her Alzheimer’s disease, or about anyone’s death did not end well. Especially later, as her disease progressed, those attempted conversations resulted in her complete confusion and distress. So, my family naturally avoided those topics with her.

B) When someone died from murder or suicide. I have unknowingly plundered into asking questions about someone in a print photograph, only to receive glares accompanied by head shaking and kicks under the table, to get me to cease and desist! I was later told in confidence that the topic of that deceased person is too emotionally painful to be discussed in a casual situation.

A Pocketful of Tips on Asking for Family Stories

1) Approach With Love

Rather than expressing concern that your loved one is near death, approach your loved one with your heartfelt desire to hear about their childhood and the events that shaped their life! Let them know you feel its important for you to understand their perspective now, rather than later. Ensure them you want to listen, then make a very concerted effort not to interrupt when they start to tell a story. Avoid interjecting your own story or any of your own opinions.

2) Make Sessions Fun!

Listen in casual, informal settings.
Don’t try to get all the stories at once. Start with just one or two (you can add more later).
No need to write things down. Just ask if you can record their voice on your smartphone.
If they don’t know what to say:
Suggest describing a few of their favorite photos
Ask about the funny stories
What favorite foods did they like as a child?
Who was their favorite relative at holiday time?

3) Tell them how happy you are to have some of their stories!

Everyone likes to get praise for helping. Let your loved one know you appreciate the things they shared.

Did you know……People talking freely about death has been expanding around the world since 2011.

The Death Cafe movement has reached over 4000 communities in 50 countries. These are casual forums for people who wanted to bat around philosophical thoughts. What is death like? Why do we fear it? How do our views of death inform the way we live?

Even though the movement’s name contains the “D” word, people often talk less about how to die than how to live!

I hope this topic has encouraged you to ask your favorite people for some of their life’s lessons, advice, and history during the coming holidays. It’s important to get the oral histories recorded now. You can decide what to do with them later. I’d love to hear about your experiences of asking for stories. Thanks for listening!

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